Private Confessions and the Return of the Witch This Full Moon Lunar Eclipse

There's something I haven't been talking about and yet it's the most impactful thing that's been going on in my life for the past couple of years.

Four years ago I met the man that is now my husband.

At first it was amazing. But now? I've come to realize our relationship has been slowly dimming my light, draining my energy, and turning me back into a version of me that I had spent so much time and effort healing and growing from.

For a while it was worth it. Challenges arose, we discussed them, we evolved together and, as a result, we were growing closer and our relationship was strengthening.

Then something changed.

You see, when we first met, I had already done immense healing work. I had made such incredible progress and could see that the Universe was providing me with an opportunity for even deeper healing through this relationship. It is one thing to heal on your own, it is but another to heal within the dynamics of a relationship.

The last two years or so, has been his turn. I say this because I had healed, grown, and evolved so much that I essentially outgrew him. There was simply no more I could do while being in this relationship with him until he did some healing, developing, and growing of his own.

Except he's stuck - and has been for quite some time now.

And while he's remained stuck, my spirit has been slowly dying.

I haven't talked about this because I wanted to protect him. It is not my intention to shame him - he does that enough on his own which is actually one of the things holding our relationship back - and so I will just talk about me.

I have observed myself repeating my needs and the ways his unhealed parts hurt me, trying to tell and show him how to love me, and participating in the same conversations, discussions, and arguments over and over again; turning from wife and partner to coach, therapist, and mother.

It's a slow corrosion that's happened until I eventually realized I am once again depleted, drained, and exhausted in such a way that sleep simply cannot fix. I do not enjoy my life anymore.

This in addition to perimenopause has left me running on little to no sleep for days at a time, a fucked up appetite, and a nervous system that once again is completely and utterly dysregulated on a daily basis. A nervous system I spent years repairing back to safety only to find myself here yet again.

I don't blame him. I see my own patterns that have gotten me here and I take full responsibility for my allowing this to happen. In fact, I can tell you exactly what has happened.

I've already met my father in exes and healed my father wound. I am now meeting my mother in my husband and, although I have forgiven my mom, I am seeing the resurfacing of my childhood mother-wound in patterns that have arose.

The little girl that never felt seen, heard, or understood. That could see so clearly through everyone's bullshit and, in an effort to clear the path so love could connect us, would point it out only to be met with resentment, gaslighting, defensiveness, and becoming the family scapegoat.

Unfortunately, this is the pattern that is playing out now in my marriage and I don't consent to it.

Again, it is not my intention to publicly shame my husband, but rather to not prioritize preserving anyone's ego and reputation in exchange for silencing my own experience and pain. I have done that enough in my life.

I am not that little girl anymore. I am the womxn that now protects her and, as I told my husband today, I am no longer participating in what he is offering.

I haven't lost myself. I still know exactly who the fuck I am but my light has been dimmed. Lucky for me I am full of fire and I am lighting that shit back up myself.

My whimsy has dulled but I know exactly how to get it back. This isn't my first rodeo.

Thursday night, early Friday morning, is a powerful full moon and lunar eclipse. I follow the red moon cycle which means I bleed with the full moon so it's no coincidence all of this has surfaced during my luteal phase.

It's been a while since I've honored the moon in ritual or spellwork, and this is the perfect opportunity to get my whimsy back.

I plan to create a cord-cutting ritual to stop the drain of my energy from where it doesn't belong, to call it and my power back to me, and to set my intentions of realigning with my Highest Self.

I have no idea where the Universe will guide me, but I'm ready to be me again and to live the deeply magickal, blessed life I was living when I met him.

Buckle up, bitches. The witch is back.